What Kind Of Slut Are You?

Supposedly some brand of feminism out there is saying that we have reclaimed the word “slut.” In a manner that has supposedly neutralized the effect of racial slurs and homophobic put downs, this once slanderous word has been redefined to entail feminist inclusion and overcoming the sexist attitudes of pop culture. But what, exactly, is a slut? Do you know what qualifies someone to be a slut? You see, slut is a nuanced word that can be applied to a myriad of situations. Rather than applying the term to one blanket definition, the word slut has many different meanings and subcategories. So it is with great pleasure that I would like to break down for you the many varied types of sluts you might encounter out there in the world, and what qualifies them as sluts.

Sex Positive Slut This is the slut who lobs around words like “polyamorous” and “polyandrous” and “open relationship” and “primary partner” and “communication.” This is the slut who marches ahead, unafraid of her sluttiness and the social stigma that might be attached to having four boyfriends, all of whom themselves have two or three girlfriends apiece. She’s the type of slut who lets everybody knows that she’s a slut, including all her current boyfriends, all her potential suitors, her friends, her roommates, and pretty much anyone that is at all curious as to whether or not she’s a slut. She might not use the word “slut” to describe herself, but she’d probably laugh and nod in agreement if you called her that.

Sex Worker Slut The sex worker slut is a classic slut. She belongs to a special breed of slut that belongs to the oldest profession in the world, and she’s also the kind of slut that is smart enough to turn her promiscuous ways into a money making enterprise. Whether it’s porn, dom work, escorting, stripping or good, old fashioned prostitution, the sex worker slut is a professional fucker. And while she might not consider herself to be a slut outside of her work (or maybe she does), she does have one fuck of a job.

Cheater Slut You know this woman – the one who’s always cheating on her boyfriend. She’s an archetypal slut because even if she hasn’t slept with that many people, the word slut is going to be one of the first epithets that her [ex?] boyfriend throws at her. Even if she isn’t a slut in the classic sense of sleeping around with hella dudes, it’s the situational implication of sluttery that earns her the qualification to stand within the pantheon of sluts.

Down Low Slut This woman does not kiss and tell. Probably because what you don’t know won’t hurt you, and while she’s juggling text messages from this one guy she’s dating, and trying to fend off another that thinks he’s her boyfriend, and getting the guy at the end of the bar to buy her drinks while she contemplates another one night stand, she’s probably telling everybody else that she’s single. Depending on the level of discretion that her partners are willing to submit to, the down low slut can have her cake and eat it, too, but it is a juggling act that requires some NSA-like sneakiness skills.

Not Down Low Slut Well, we all know she’s a slut. Probably because she broadcasts it in a very loud manner. She’s slept with everyone we know, and all their friends, and they all know it, and all their friends know it, too. She doesn’t care who knows, which is probably why she talks about her variety of one night stands on Twitter, and her brazen attitude helps her rack up points on the # of dudes she’s fucked scale. You go girl!

Serial Monogamist Slut This is the kind of woman who never sleeps with two dudes at once. She’s a one man kind of woman, even if those men come in a ceaseless parade of one after another after another. Whether her relationships last two weeks or two years, as soon as they’re over, she’s onto the next one, because there’s always one waiting in line for the next man to fall.

Strategic Slut The strategic slut is the kind of slut who’s a few steps away from being a sex worker slut, but because she’s not asking for money outright she doesn’t technically qualify as a sex worker slut. The strategic slut is the type of sexually affluent woman who sleeps around because she’s in full control of her sexual capacities, and whether it’s for social, political, professional or financial gains, sleeping with a few well picked men is really going to help her get ahead in life. While she might also technically be a down low slut or a serial monogamist slut, the fact that she is motivated by something in addition to sex puts her a step ahead of most other sluts.

Blow Job Slut She might not pull her panties down, but she’ll open her mouth up and take whatever he gives her. Because if she just gives a dude a blow job, then she hasn’t *actually* slept with him, she’s just kinda fooled around with him. Which means that if she hasn’t slept with him, her number won’t go up, which is fine, because when she’s talking with her friends she won’t sound like she’s slept with too many dudes. It’s an acceptable remedy for a nonexistent problem, because the fact of the matter is at the end of the day you’re still a slut, regardless of whether or not you’re in denial about it.

New Slut a.k.a. the sexually inexperienced slut. She’s new to the game, because, for whatever reason, she’s just discovered that she can sleep around, have a blast and get away with it. Maybe she’s coming out of a long term relationship, maybe she’s just beginning to rebel against her parents, or maybe it’s that point in college that some of us reach when the urge to fuck around kicks in full force. Regardless, she’s just hitting her stride when it comes to sleeping around, and while her greenness might be part of her appeal, it won’t be long before she learns the ropes of how to be a good slut.

Not Actually a Slut This is the kind of woman who claims to be a slut, but is in fact not a slut. She might bemoan the fact that she has slept with too many men, but there are women out there who think that sleeping with two men makes them a slut. Perhaps within your Christian community you might be considered a slut, but in the grand scheme of sluttery you might be a bit underqualified to be considered an actual, bona fide, tried and true slut. So, try harder next time!

Recovered Slut We all know her – she’s the one who slept around with everybody she knew a while back, but now she has changed her ways. While sleeping around might have been more fun, or more feasible, in her younger years, nowadays she is thoroughly content to hang out with her cats and/or her boyfriend (or maybe even husband! And kids!). Talking about her wild days might be a rare act of nostalgia, and once you’re a slut – well, you’re not always a slut, but you’re never going to forget what it was like to be a slut. That’s for sure.

4 thoughts on “What Kind Of Slut Are You?

  1. I’m confused why anyone would want to classify themselves as a slut at all, because it is a term that exists in direct corroboration with men. Are sexually promiscuous lesbians considered sluts? Would hedonists be a better term, because it is based on the pleasure that one can receive for oneself? Can someone please explain why they would want to base their personality on what sort of benefits they can offer a man?

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