The Wanachi Mega Massager: For Size Queens Everywhere

A quick gaze over the details of my life makes one thing very clear: I’m a size queen. The first thing my plastic surgeon said when I told him what size I wanted was, “I’m not sure we can fit those in your body, Kelsey.” After a years-long break from anal play, I skipped the pleasantries and stretched my ass with a large princess plug on a lazy Tuesday afternoon. One time I sucked a horribly annoying coworker’s dick in my car after our shift because I heard it was huge and just wanted to see how much of it I could swallow. Whatever you’ve got, I want it but BIGGER, so why should my vibrators be any different?

So naturally after killing my second Hitachi, I went in search of a similarly impressive vibrator with that nice power-tool hand feel when the stars aligned and two friends separately posted themselves nervously hoisting the Wanachi Mega Massager. I was instantly smitten—a novelty act at first sight, I saw the potential for this tool to revolutionize the way I fucked myself.

My friends were skeptical and warned of the possibility that it might grind my clit into a small pile of gooey rubbish, but I’ve done worse to my pussy (hi if you’re reading, ex-husbands!). I was hesitant as well, as one of my favorite strengths of the Hitachi is the concentrated horsepower that doesn’t require exact placement to get the job done. I wondered if the larger head size would diffuse the vibration too much, or if the extended surface area would dull the sensation of having direct vibe-to-clit stimulation.

When the big day came, I found my train of thought wandering while I worked, listlessly idling ‘til the glorious moment when my door buzzer chimed with the delivery of my potential new best friend. I squealed a little when the mail guy handed over the more-enormous-than-expected box and barely made it inside before ripping open the box to see if my overblown expectations would be met.

I prefer to use vibes with my partner as opposed to solo, but I did NOT make it the 20 minutes it took him to get home. Without so much as taking off my pants, I plugged in the Wanachi and started testing the different settings on my leg to gauge the power. I was impressed with the relative delicacy of the low setting given the size, but I like it fucking rough so I found the higher setting more satisfying. There are also several pulsating patterns, but those have always seemed like a worthless anomaly to me and it’s no different with this toy.

After the preliminary test, I went in for the kill. With not an ounce of exaggeration here, it took thirty seconds to get off the first time; yes, half a minute. I’ve always been tremendously orgasmic, but I’ve found myself at 31 starting to feel the effects of adulthood suck the wind out of my cum sails. It was nice to have such a snappy reaction with this new toy, and when my husband came home a bit later for the tag-team effort, I found myself ready to go again immediately despite worrying I’d blown my literal load on the first round.

The orgasms washing over me were Serious Business, but there was a lot of laughter involved due to the sheer absurdity of the experience. As the giggling turned to deep throaty screaming, the head of the toy warmed a bit. The gentle heat combined with the increased blood flow to my entire southern half made my brain feel like a thousand pinpricks of late afternoon sunlight poked through the hollow points of entry until they reached mid-skull and boiled there like syrup-sweet witches’ brew rolling over the cauldron rim. The lack of localized intensity made for a gentler path to the peak, and the full-body arousal you gain from having an earthquake pummel you from kneecap to nipple means more room to wander insider your own fantasies. I love the spot-on potency of say, a bullet-style vibe, but I need to be dead ready or risk feeling like it’s a bit rushed and offensive.

Once I’d had my fill of the test, I tried it out on my husband’s cock. We found the most convenient and useful way to get him steely is to apply plenty of lube, then firmly hold the head of the wand against the underside of the shaft while stroking or licking the top and head of his penis. Somewhere around 8 seconds into this, we were in business.

In the rush of excitement while switching spots, he’d stayed on his knees. This panned out as the position with the easiest access to all the necessary parts, and kept the risk of dropping a jackhammer-sized vibrator on his balls low compared to him on his back. While the couple play component here is obviously great as a warm up, the toy is entirely too large to function as something you can use during penetration. I tend to find toys during intercourse kind of distracting, so it was nice to be able to put it aside once we were ready for the more organic stuff. While all foreplay is obviously meant to prepare both partners for sex, my husband commented that I even felt different inside this time—I was wetter, more open, and my G and A spots were so swollen that Aaron could have sneezed in the next room and made me climax.

One of my favorite aspects of the Wanachi is its likeness to my dream toy, the Sybian, without the $1200+ price tag. It’s not likely I’ll ever own the extravagantly priced saddle vibe of my dreams or its multitude of beautiful and tempting attachments, but straddling the Wanachi is a decent substitution! I’ve always enjoyed the orgasms I’ve had with standard wands most while in a dick-riding position (or while actually riding a dick), so this was not a surprise for me. Something about struggling to stay upright while wanting nothing more than to melt into a human cum puddle feels like light self-bondage. Since the grinding firmness depends on whole-body movement rather than arm adjustment, you’re pushed into a circuitous relationship with your own thoughts and sensations, making for a more intense masturbation experience. I know sometimes when I feel the urge to just have an orgasm, I want to get the job done in an austere and un-messy manner, so this encourages me to be present with myself: mind, pussy, and soul.

So obvious issues aside—it looks a little silly which can be off-putting if you’re not a fan of the absurd, not useful for penetrative sex, a potential increase in electric bills—the Mega Wand has proven more than just a cheeky novelty slash photo prop. If you have the money to invest and an interest in the Very Extra, go for it.