The Sad(istic) Clown Diaries

(click the link it’s good I swear. photo by Mark Burgess // Instagram #beachDSM video by Dustin Senovic)

Slave. Say the world aloud to yourself. “Slave.” How does it make you feel? As a member of modern society and particularly, as an American, I am hyper aware of the fact that my lofty privileges were built upon the forced enslavement and dehumanization of others. It is a bleak fact of life that has always made me feel sick to my stomach and deeply ashamed of humanity and the senseless cruelty that we as a species are capable of demonstrating toward one another in the name of power, greed or even “God”. However, as a Dominatrix, the word “slave” means something entirely different to me.

In my now 4+ year long journey as a Domme, I’ve encountered varying reactions to my work and sexual proclivities that range from casual curiosity to absolute disgust and outrage. “How can you treat another human being like that?” “Why would anyone WANT to be a slave?” “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” “Do you actually enjoy being cruel?” are just a few of the questions I’ve been asked over the years. The answer to all of these and more can be summed up rather neatly with one simple word: CONSENT.

Consent is everything in the world of BDSM. Well, not everything, but without it we don’t have a legal leg to stand on because consent is the difference between abuse and “play”. If you take someone home and, without any discussion or permission sought, proceed to tie them up, stuff a gag in their mouth and let your sadism run wild with their imprisoned body; well, you’ve just committed a series of felonies and you are probably a psychopath as well. SHAME ON YOU! Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you have a candid discussion with a consenting adult about assuming a D/s (Dominant/submissive) or any other fetish role play scenario and then proceed to act it out according to the rules and boundaries established; you’re playing. Yay! It’s fun. It’s legal (mostly, depending on where you are and what you do). That’s why we in the BDSM community refer to it as “play”. I could never be aimlessly cruel and abusive to another human being unless they truly wanted me to be and vocalized that desire clearly, of their own free will, under absolutely zero duress or pressure from any other party. I am a loving, respectful, rather clownish human being who also happens to be a primarily Dominant sexual sadist. I am not a sociopathic monster. There is a difference, whether or not you personally are able to wrap your pretty little vanilla head around it.

Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve more or less graduated the world of working in playhouses with other pros and have been slowly carving a new path for myself as an oddball/niche Independent Dominatrix. What that means from a business angle is pulling my own clients, using my own wardrobe and tools, finding my own spaces to work out of, etc. It has been a slow moving process due to my primary focus being my work as a musician and songwriter, but I am finding these more sparse new Domme experiences to be much more rewarding overall. Now that I have total control over the selection process for my clientele, I’ve been building relationships with younger clients who are more like peers and friends of friends than older men with money to burn that I have absolutely nothing in common with outside of the kinky stuff. You see, I don’t just do this for the money. Being a Domme is a part of my life that is intrinsically linked with my identity and sexual/creative satisfaction. For me, it is a form of performance art. Erotic theatre. It is work, complex and physically/emotionally exhausting work that comes with a great responsibility and an immense amount of pressure at times, but I get a rush from it much like the rush I get from being on stage. It means the world to me. Having partners to engage with that can meet me on a more youthful and/or creative level only heightens the experience. I need to be able to be myself in every aspect of my life, in all of my wild, unpolished and somewhat jester-ish glory.

One of the clients and new friends I’ve gained while walking this less charted path is a budding young masochist whose work as an avant hip hop artist is something I have the utmost respect for. While consent is the basis of any BDSM relationship, I’ve found that trust and respect is what keeps the relationship strong and long-lasting. It’s important to specify that he/it is a masochist and not a submissive, because my duties as his/its Domme are limited mostly to putting it in bondage, depriving it of its senses and beating the hell out of it using my fists, leather straps, whips, etc. His/its experiences prior to seeing me were comprised of girlfriends or casual sexual partners who would attempt to top him at his request. While he found these experiences to be sexually gratifying and fun, he was curious to see someone who really knew what they were doing and could help him explore his masochism more deeply. I was the first “real” Dominatrix he ever saw, which is deeply satisfying for me on a power exchange level. I guess its similar to the “virgin complex”, if you know what I mean and as fucked up of a comparison as that may be. This type of heavy sadomasochism session is extremely rewarding for me because I carry around a lot of pent up aggression and dissatisfaction with the uneven distribution of power that I have to deal with in my day to day life. You know, being a struggling underdog in the music industry (aka actual Hell) as well as a woman. Woe is me! Besides, I truly enjoy impact play more than perhaps any other Domme activity. I have a background as an athlete and have a pretty insane amount of upper-body strength that begs to be taken advantage of in a healthy, controlled way.

As you may have noticed, I still refer to this type of client as a “slave”, even though he/it is not a submissive, because while in my custody I truly do own its body and can do whatever I want with it so long as it remains within the parameters we’ve established. When speaking or writing about these “slaves” within the context of our sessions together, I usually use “it” as the pronoun because the absolution of the identity is part of how I keep my uhh “subjects” aware of the fact that while in scene with me, they are egoless and exist only as my property. Even now as I write this, I feel pangs of joy and satisfaction as I recall the sound of its muffled shrieks of pain and the way the skin on its back and buttocks looked as it swelled and split open. Shouts out to that little beatdown boi! ILU.

More to come…this is going to be fun! XXX

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