The Sad(istic) Clown Diaries: CHOKE

*Special edition advice column! I’ve been working on this in my spare time the last few weeks for fun. I’m in Japan and am busy enjoying the experience so “Thrashing Against Obsession: Part II” will be up next week. XO*

Recently a friend of mine was telling me about her newest sexual partner and how he enjoys choking her during sex. My immediate reaction was concern, because erotic and autoerotic asphyxiation is easily the most common cause of accidental sex-related death. Don’t get me wrong, breath play is hot and there is danger in simply breathing the air outside. I don’t necessarily disapprove. But the conversation made me realize how many friends of mine have revealed an interest in or an active fetish for being choked, often by complete strangers. I decided it was time that I made a quick list of safety tips and advice on the subject. If Michael Hutchence had been friends with me, maybe I could’ve saved his life. Sigh. (Note: I am not a doctor. This is my advice based on my experience and knowledge as a Professional Dominatrix, which includes basic anatomy and safety training, as well as CPR certification.)

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1: Would you trust a guy/girl you just met at some warehouse party while railed on coke/Molly/tequila with your debit card? No? Ok well, you probably shouldn’t trust them with your life either. Don’t let a fucking random, inexperienced stranger choke you during sex. Just don’t. It’s so stupid and careless. If you absolutely can not cum unless you are gasping for air, try wearing a tight dog collar and holding your breath for a while off and on during sex. Maybe that sounds ridiculous but trust me, the alternative could be your roommate discovering your naked, lifeless body after your accidental murderer climbs out of the window. K? Thx.

2: Do you have a partner with whom you feel safe engaging in more risky sex acts with? That’s great. Congratulations. Go get them and have them read this with you. Are you there, trustworthy sexy time partner? Do not press your thumbs into your partner’s throat. I don’t care how hot and bothered you are or how much he/she likes it – don’t do it. You can achieve the desired effect (which is usually more about the feeling of pressure, loss of control & lightheadedness that accompanies restricted air flow) by squeezing your hands around the sides of the neck and pushing away from your own body. Does that make sense? Focusing your energy on pushing away from your own body rather than trying to push through your partner’s body can help reduce the risk of serious injury. This, of course, can be dangerous too if you do it too hard or for too long, but pressing your thumbs down hard into your partners throat near the trachea or trying to choke them into oblivion is worse.

3: If you tend to use your forearm while your partner is pinned face down or on their side, make a conscious effort to put your arm either closer to their head or chest rather than directly on the throat. Release pressure and readjust your arm often to ensure that airflow is still happening, albeit restricted.

4: Remember that the objective of consensual erotic asphyxiation is PLEASURE, not death. It should be like the bow on top of a present rather than the entire pony show. You know? Stay in tune with your partner’s whereabouts on the climax scale. When they are getting close, apply some pressure to help them get there. Stop as soon as they’ve orgasmed, midway through if possible.

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5: Is autoerotic asphyxiation your cup of tea? You know, DIY choking? Well, fuck. There is absolutely no safe way to do this. If you are trying to choke yourself with a belt attached to a doorknob or tying a bag over your head and there is no one around to make sure you don’t die, your chances of dying are very high. Maybe you secretly have a death wish. That makes me sad. My only advice is that you try really hard to overcome your fear of rejection, humiliation, whatever and ask someone you trust (preferably someone with experience or CPR training) to help you out. I understand that you may not be able to help that this is THEE way for you to achieve orgasm. I want you to cum, really! It’s important for your health and sanity. I just don’t want you to die. Think about it.

6: If you are into this shit, go take a CPR class. It’s not expensive and it could save someone’s life. Sex is supposed to be fun, even when it’s kinky and/or extreme. Be responsible. Be an adult.

If following these basic safety guidelines and pieces of advice seems like too much of a hassle for you, please send me an email with your full name and a headshot so I can make sure that nobody I know ever sleeps with you. You are a menace to society and should probably be castrated.

If you’re a good boy/girl and you heed my warnings, get out there and fuck on! Just be careful. Please. I love you. Ok maybe I don’t, but surely someone else does and they want you to live!