The Sad(istic) Clown Diaries

I am extremely unsatisfied sexually as a Domme at the moment. Well, always. I know exactly what I want. I want a sexual partner that can transcend gender roles and power barriers with me. A P.Y.T. who will trust me to take them beyond the threshold of pain and into the pleasure dome (lol). In exchange I may even trust them to take hold of me as well. That’d be an interesting and satisfying progression for me as a sexual being. I’m interested in growth. I want to explore every option. “Life is short”, “When in Rome”, etc.

The potential slave I spoke of in my last entry wound up disappointing me rather quickly, as most do. The D/s nature of our relationship was blissfully short lived. For a few weeks he was extremely attentive and devoted, showering me with presents and orgasms on command. I was kind to him in return, albeit stern and demanding. After all, this was the dynamic we had established. His role was to serve me, and mine was to be served. He genuinely seemed to enjoy and even get off on doing the littlest things for me, such as fetching coffee for me every morning and taking me shopping for tour essentials. In a “typical” straight relationship, this would not be the norm for me at all. I have always been fiercely independent out of necessity and by choice, seeing as I left home at the age of 16 and have been on my own ever since. But in a D/s relationship it is often customary for the submissive to wait on the Dominant partner hand and foot, as this helps to keep the slave in sub space and makes them feel comfortable and often sexually aroused.

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However as time elapsed, it became apparent to me that this “slave” was actually rather dominant and controlling, always ready to top from the bottom. Typically this would have been cause for immediate dismissal, but I had developed romantic feelings for him and so was willing to let the relationship evolve naturally. For a while, it was good. I have no problem transitioning into more traditional roles with lovers. I am not a one note woman. If the connection is strong, there are many sides of me to share with my partner.

While on an extensive world tour, I made staying in touch with him a priority. We talked constantly and explicitly about our sexual fantasies and all the ways we wanted to act on them when we were reunited. He’s an aspiring screenwriter and I have an extremely active imagination and am very good at communicating, so we were able to satisfy eachother and remain close while I was gone.

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Unfortunately things quickly got out of hand (as many of my relationships tend to do) and our situation imploded before we really had much of a chance to enjoy eachother. It’s a shame because the chemistry was great and he was very good at making me cum, particularly with his mouth. I thoroughly enjoyed using his face as a chair. Oh well.

We are listening to Blood Orange in the van right now (still on tour) and the lyric “I never was in love / You know that you were never good enough” is really speaking to me. As my mother always says, “Next!” Sure enough, there is already another fish on the line. This one has his heart set on entering the fetish porn industry and is interested in being trained and potentially managed by me. We’ll see what comes of it. He’s really, really hot.

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