Sexual attraction is one of the greatest mysteries of the human psyche. We know what is objectively attractive in the conventional way, and we know what role traits like personality and success play in perceived desirability. Sometimes, though, our baser instincts lead us to the absolute worst human beings — the too-conservative, the womanizing, even the downright cruel — and even the most level-headed of us have experienced a crush we’d rather not write home about.
Below are just a few of those for me. Call it Daddy Issues, call it typical sub behavior, I just can’t help but have sizable urges for some absolute cads. While I’m by no means straight, I’ve chosen to exclude women from this list because let’s face it: ladies have it hard enough already, and dudes are just way more fun to lampoon. And the winners are…
1 Dave Mustaine
The inspiration for this entire article came to me while watching the video for “Holy Wars…The Punishment Due” for the thousandth time, gasping for air while the sweaty-chested cantankerous thrash Daddy and his painted on white jeans howls on about injustice. These days he might have some of the most questionable political and social views in heavy metal, but Mustaine gets an eternal two-thumbs up “would” from me every single time. Peace Sells indeed, but so does sex and I’d absolutely cough up some coin to have this fire crotch cum in my mouth.
2 Mitt Romney
Every bone in my feminist body screams “RUN FAR AWAY, HE WOULDN’T EVEN HELP PAY FOR THE ABORTION,” but then I see those foxy gray streaks and chiseled features and somehow, I think a night of exploring what’s under those special Mormon underjams wouldn’t be so bad. He also gets bonus points for his much-publicized disdain for the tangerine terror currently in line to lose the presidential race this November. You may not respect my reproductive rights, but wrap it up tight and get your Mitts all over me, Ramney.
3 Captain Hook
Nobody said these were all going to be real people, and if you’re anything like precocious lil me, you’ve been lusting villains since before you understood why humping the couch felt so great. Hook—the cartoon, though the Dustin Hoffman version could also get it—was up there with Tom Selleck and Ted Danson as the first dudes I diddled it to. I still haven’t bagged a man with a hook for a hand, but several long-hairs and mustachioed gents have tinkered with my bells since those pre-school self-exploration days.
4 Grigori Rasputin
You didn’t think I’d write a piece on fucking for a witch positive site and forget to include the ultimate pussy wizard, did you? Rasputin’s reputed list of conquests (including Empress Alexandra) is rivaled only in length by the legend in his pants. His charm with the ladies wasn’t even hindered by his atrocious smell, but having blown several dudes in death metal bands, I totally get it. He was a little TOO suave for his own good though, and eventually a gang of what we can assume were jealous husbands grouped to plan and execute his assassination. Immortalized in this Boney M banger forever, RIP Russia’s Greatest Love Machine.
5 Any Tattooer In The Free World
Ahh, tattooers: the rock stars of the lowbrow art world, they are every bit as talented and sensitive as musicians, but their addiction issues and self-absorption might be the worst I’ve ever encountered on a romantic level. I’ve “dated” exactly one tattooer who looked like the black metal Mike Ness that took me on the best first date of my entire life: shots of whiskey while we listened to Carpathian Forest, bowling, then we polished off the bottle of Jameson and talked about Aleister Crowley for an hour before having some of the nastiest first-time sex I’ve ever had, then he woke up and MADE ME BREAKFAST. Unfortunately, I forgot to text him the next day so he had a breakdown and unfollowed me on Instagram (buuurrrrrn) and I learned my lesson in dating bad boys with Satanic face tattoos. Still, it’s a great story and I’d never have had it if I didn’t take my chances on a sure misfire.
6 John Travolta
I’m so ashamed of this one, but John Travolta from birth to Face/Off is ungodly sexual. I think it’s the dimples? Maybe I still see him as the Danny Zuko to my bad girl Sandy? He’s obviously quite terrifying now and nobody has any fucking clue why his hair plugs are doing …whatever they’re doing, but on the plus side, I’d probably have a pretty tight “in” with Xenu, right? I sincerely wish Scientology didn’t have such a tight grip on so many babes (Tom Cruise, Danny Masterson, Will Smith….) but this one ranks pretty high in my hall of fame of WHY GOD WHY???
7 Fidel Castro & Vladimir Putin
I’m grouping these two together for brevity, because the truth is I don’t exactly have a degree in totalitarian rulers, but for some dark reason in my tortured soul, I am painfully intrigued by men who rule (and probably spank) with an iron fist. Power is a dangerous aphrodisiac, and what better way to exhibit it than through the unflinching rule of entire populations?
8 Jack Nicholson
No one quite plays off “psychotic but fuckable” quite as well as Nicholson, but his mental disturbances reportedly stretch beyond the big screen. When he and former long-time partner Anjelica Houston (aka the most gorgeous couple that maybe ever existed) split, it came out in the wash that their relationship had been less that blissful. Despite his philandering ways and seemingly endless ego (amongst more serious charges), something about his cocksure charm and irrefutable good looks make a night-long tryst seem ideal, so long as it doesn’t happen in an abandoned hotel.
9 Aleister Crowley
He nicknamed himself “The Great Beast” and was called by the press “The Wickedest Man in the World,” but who wouldn’t love to get up close and personal with the founding father of Thelema in order to find out just exactly how far those charms stretched? Like our Russian loverboy Rasputin, Crowley was a known swindler, but his influence has been felt far and wide, and really, how can you stay mad at someone who inspired countless knockoff cads like Jimmy Page? I’m also guessing that if Crowley came damn close to scaling K2 in a time before oxygen tanks, surely he knew his way around a clitoris.