Stop Being A Dick

The recent piece in The New Republic entitled “This Is What Power Looks Like” is fantastic, but it’s missing one thing: dicks. Understandably, Rebecca Traister wants to keep it respectable, but since I’m not writing for The New Republic and since it’s the holidays I’m giving myself the gift of tossing respectability and caution to the wind, and just letting my imagination run free…America has a dick problem. Now that Darren Wilson won’t ever get a trial, we’ll never get to find out what happened at that car. We have to speculate. Maybe Brown was aggressive. Maybe he overpowered Wilson. But maybe that’s when Wilson’s dick started to feel small. Maybe that’s when he reached for his gun aka his big metal surrogate dick and raped Michael brown with it. Given the number of stories we’ve seen recently about cops shitfaced on power, armed like they’re in a Michael Bay film, it’s not a stretch.

And why isn’t anyone burning frat houses to the ground? Black metal musicians can burn churches for Satan but we’re content to just blog and blog about campus rape? If we don’t burn them down, we could at least forcefully turn them all into temples for pansexual gender fluid Satanists. Not so much a sit-in as a ritual orgy-in. Lucien Greaves, I’m making a modest proposal.

But feminists both male and female: get off this trip being always myopically focused on culture. This is as much about anatomy and chemistry as culture. It’s not victim blaming to say that campus rape is a drunk men problem. Many men are only a few beers from a rape because alcohol is a neurotoxin and when it interacts with bullshit cultural ideas in the brain plus testosterone, a lot of extremely bullshit things can happen. The sooner we all accept this the better off we’ll be.

The justice system clearly doesn’t work. Decent people can no longer be asked to ask nicely. When I say why don’t we burn down frat houses, obviously I’m not calling for mass murder of frat boys (those Norwegian churches were usually empty anyway). What I mean is: why don’t we work harder to create problems? It’s OK to fuck shit up. This is what contemporary activism has forgotten about the 60s: the demonstration in itself isn’t what counts, it’s not about optics and showing up. It’s the ability to strike fear into the hearts of those holding the power. It’s the ability to make them aware that the social order which favors them is in danger of being ruined. Mere presence is, I hate to say, just not a threat. You must know that they know this.

And how are these kids from these famous rape stories still walking around the streets comfortably? No, really: how? I just said “famous rape stories” and you probably didn’t blink. That’s a problem. That’s how normalized it’s become. I’m not recommending any specific action, what I’m saying is: at the very least, make them feel unsafe. They deserve to feel unsafe (they deserve a lot worse, but at the very least they deserve to feel unsafe). Scientologists do this kind of thing to people every day, it’s a dark aspect of the law that there are legal, non-violent ways to terrify people. Why should it be reserved for people who believe in aliens and body thetans? This is my holiday dream, for rapist assholes to at least be subjected to the kinds of fear and intimidation that the Church of Scientology subjects its opponents to.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an anti-frat diatribe, it’s an anti-dick diatribe. I just moved to New Orleans a couple months ago and guess what’s a common fact of life here? Being abducted on the streets and sped away to an isolated location for a gang rape and possible murder. No robbery, just pure violence. Not to mention recently there was a story in the news about some New Orleans cops who had let over 1,000 cases of rape and child abuse go unsubstantially investigated. That’s one fuckin city. You’d think it might be because the crime rate is so high, but actually I’m going to attribute it to the fact that one of the cops cited the belief that a simple rape should not be considered a crime. Dicks.

Do you feel disgusted by dicks yet? Please say yes. This is a very serious dick problem.

A dick is not a person with a dick, it’s a person whose dick defines and controls them. A person who can’t or who chooses not to abide by simple cultural instructions like “don’t rape people.” It’s the sort of person who takes any insult as an insult to their dick and has to defend their glorified dickhood with violence. And going back to the part about not being myopically concerned with culture, the idea that there is only a “rape culture” and that the only way to combat it is through culture is utterly bizarre. People who are serious about this problem need to be serious about the meat we live in. Culture is produced by bodies. I haven’t read A Natural History of Rape so I’m not prepared to comment on the quality (or lack thereof) of its arguments. What I do know is that just because something is natural doesn’t make it right. This is a longstanding problem with liberal and left-leaning reasoning, this idea that natural = good. Sometimes nature is fucking cruel and awful. Refusing the closed circle of culture which dominates the conversation on rape is extremely, radically important.

I just recently became a father, and something became clear to me when I was looking into child care options. I realized that, despite how much I had discovered I loved kids and loved being with my daughter, and how many other men might be very nice people and good care providers, I’d be terrified to hire a man to care for my child. I think a lot of people would, and rightly so, thanks 100% to dicks. This has a depressing effect in that it reinforces the cycle of masculinity unmitigated by men’s involvement in traditionally female roles of child care.

Most of the world kind of has a dick problem, too, now that I mention it. He may not be the most popular guy on the liberal feminist block but it seems to me Steven Pinker’s point in The Better Angels of Our Nature about the problem of young unmarried men abroad and their relationship to violent movements isn’t a recommendation for conservative values, traditional definitions of marriage and the nuclear family, it’s a caution about letting too many goddamn dicks in the room at once.

This is not a call for man hate. Nor is it a call for violence against men or trans women. What it is is a fevered fantasy. A holiday wish for the dicks of the world to get what’s coming to them. Plenty of us who own dicks would like to cease having our dicks mistaken for yours. We’d like our sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends to be free walk around or go to a party not having to worry about violently encountering your dick. Darren Wilson and George Zimmerman shouldn’t just get to walk away from murder because they had their dick insulted.

SCUM is a spirit. It’s a spirit of raw hate and kickback. One without tired lecturing about how one conducts oneself amidst a revolt. Programmatic castration shouldn’t be a doctrine or a program: it’s just a feeling. I truly believe that without Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and the NAACP wouldn’t have won the victories they won in the 60s. Yes, being civil while disobeying is nice, and working within the system is ideal when the system works. How many more times do we have to ask “how many more times?!” Rodney King, The West Memphis Three, Steubenville, UVA, Trayvon Martin, Ferguson, Rehtaeh Parsons. It shouldn’t be so easy to list these. Until it’s less easy, we should start being a lot harder on the dicks.