How To Top Dudes Like A Goddamn Lady

I don’t know how to have sex with men anymore. At least, not while under the “leadership” of a patriarchal fascist orange dildo that every day feels more and more like one continuous and unrelenting exercise in being fucked by men. Actually, I don’t know how to have sex with anyone of any gender because I’m a.) not very good at sex and b.) a mentally ill emotional wreck with severe attachment anxiety — but I especially don’t know how to have sex with men at this particular moment when it feels like this country is being run by a combination of my worst most emotionally abusive hookups and also my dad.

Being a lonely and horny pansexual power slut who finds she occasionally enjoys sex with dudes, but does not enjoy the very gendered and heteronormie vibe that often accompanies sex with dudes, this has been a problem for me. My solution? Fucking men! In the ass! Literally! (With their enthusiastic consent, duh.)

My first intimate run-in with a straight man’s butthole was with a Tinder date who’d been hinting that he was like, really into pegging. We had sex once or twice before he rolled over, poked his butt in the air and tossed me a bottle of lube. I never heard from him again after that night which is really hard not to take personally because I was, after all, practically elbow deep in his butt. It was the middle of summer and his apartment didn’t have air conditioning so I was really sweaty which I understand may have been off putting. But still. Rude. Even so, my pervy degenerate little heart will always hold closely the memory of watching him squirm around under me, asking me not to stop. But then I remember the sweating and I get stuck in a cringe spiral. It’s bittersweet.

If you’re a lady with an interest in topping your male sex pals via the butt, I’d encourage you to fucking go for it. Plenty of straight dudes are interested in dabbling in the dark arts of receiving anal, but are too afraid to ask, in which case, it’s important to make your intentions known from the outset. I like to let my potential sex friends know that I’m an equal-opportunity butt magician who believes in gender, economic, racial, and anal equality. However, the road to the straight male b-hole can be long, winding, and fraught with a lot of unhealthy misconceptions about receiving anal sex that are not only a huge buzz kill, but also extremely sex negative and homophobic. Most notably: the fear that enjoying anal sex makes straight men gay.

I won’t waste energy detailing the various ways in which this is total bullshit. Maybe it isn’t bullshit, I’m not a scientist! Maybe anal sex does make you gay! Maybe you are already gay! If you’re into it, does it matter? If someone’s butt is off limits because they’re just not into it, that’s totally valid. If someone’s butt is off limits because they’re afraid of turning gay, or because they’re afraid they’ll be a little too into it — whatever that means — then they don’t know how gayness works, and holding some guy’s hand while he walks through his delicate feelings about his butthole and fragile masculinity isn’t my job.

I’m not some kind of butt sex expert, but I did attend an anal sex workshop for lesbians once to impress someone I was trying to hook up with, so I know a thing or two about butts, mmkay? Firstly, butt sex isn’t the kind of thing you want to rush into spontaneously sans preparation. You’ll want to have lube on hand. Like, literally on your hands. This is not the time for anyone to be coy about lube. Cut your nails before, otherwise you’ll end up annihilating the poor soul’s butt hole. Also, long nails could also end in a really unsanitary situation for you. Hopefully your dude has washed his butt. Like, thoroughly. If you’re both ready to graduate to a full-on pegging situation, you’ll need a harness of your choice, and a butt toy of your dude’s choice. Know that once something’s been in a butt, it can’t ever not have been in a butt, so everyone’s butt toys should be theirs forever and are not for sharing. The idea of butt toys can, again, be fraught with a lot of feelings rooted in fragile masculinity, so this might be the kind of thing you work up to unless they expressly ask for it. I once suggested to a guy I was seeing that we make this thing real and get him a butt toy, at which he freaked out and said he was scared he would like being fucked in the b-hole too much and would only want to be fucked in the b-hole from that point on, forever and ever. At which point, I backed away slowly because men’s existential dread is like, boring as hell, and straight people are weird.

Sometimes I want to be fucked, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, actually, all the time, what I really want is to fuck with and subvert the gender roles and preconceived ideas about who does what to whom. And sometimes I just want to fuck dudes in the butt. I like it, it feels really empowering, and I get off on it, OK? Sue me. I don’t claim to be some kind of a sexual revolutionary because I like to top men. I’m just a basic queer who’s made it her life’s mission to queer-ify hetero sex and also make straight dudes question their sexuality just a teeny tiny bit whenever possible.

Like all beautiful and fleeting moments, anal sex is but a transitory moment in time. Sometimes you rock someone’s world and their butt, and you never hear from them again, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a certified, grade A butt slut. Get out there, and get in there.