The gendered stereotype of the heterosexual woman and her dildo is the sad, single spinster with dirty hair, sneaking her veined eight-inch toy out late at night, shooing her cat off the bed, then making love to herself while fantasizing of the ideal man who is only a few clicks away on her online dating profile. Real talk: I have been that woman. Except, I have two cats, so I would have to shove cat(s) out of the way, because as much as I’ll tell myself it’s not weird, it’s weird when they watch me masturbate. And, when I’m alone masturbating, the thoughts in my head are not of an ideal mate – but pure filth. My personal life is surprisingly vanilla, but my fantasy world is a dark, brutish place.
Yet what I’ve found interesting regarding “dildos and me” (also, free name for a children’s book) is not my time alone with them, but how various male lovers have reacted to them. Note: Obviously, sleeping with women is an entirely different ballgame. The very first real dildo I owned was purchased for me by a boyfriend, during a trip we took together to the Lower East Side location of Babeland. I went for the $46 “First Mate” dildo. “When nothing but the most realistic silicone cock will do, reach for your First Mate,” Babeland’s website advertises. Available in three colors, I chose “vanilla” because that was the color of the human penis on my partner. He was more excited about this thing than I was. At the risk of putting men into boxes, this lover was what I’ll call the “kinky enthusiast” to intro the four types of men I’ve encountered based on their relationship to me and my dildo.
The kinky enthusiast sees the dildo as an extension of their own penis. They want to do things to you with the dildo, and would probably enjoy a cuckolding fantasy in real life. Depending on how into toys you are, these men are fun if you like being a little freaked out. They’ll want to put it in your butt.
The ego comparer is only interested in your dildo to compare it to his dick. He’ll look at it as a threat, hold it against his own, express triumph if he’s the same size (or bigger) and quickly toss it aside with contempt if he’s smaller. If men learn that a big dick truly doesn’t equal great sex and it’s just one tool in a supply cabinet of sex supplies, the female to male orgasm ratio will rise in women’s favor.
In truth, when I’m masturbating alone, I rarely if ever use the thing. My pink Minna limon is cuter and more effective at getting me off, as is my hand. Men can handle a pretty pink egg against a pussy. For some, a life-like sex toy leads to bewildered questions such as “Can you really fit this inside of you?” A wonderful opportunity to discuss the wonders of the vagina and its stretching abilities.
Likely highly intelligent with captivating eyes, the philosopher would use it on you if you really wanted, but will quote Julia Kristeva abjection philosophy to explain their distaste for a disembodied dick, and find it horrifying in its similarity.
In conclusion, men can come and go, but with proper care, the right high-quality silicone dildo can last a lifetime.
Image: Catherine The Great’s custom dildo